Right listen up, all you chumps out there trying to make it hard for a bloke to do a bit of honest thievin’. I’m Chopper Reed, the name on everyone’s lips, and I’m here to teach you a thing or two about home security. Forget those fancy alarms and cameras – that’s for the soft lads with more money than brains. If you wanna keep your gear safe like a real Aussie battler,  there’s a trick so simple it’ll make you laugh, and so bloody obvious you’ll wonder why every crim like me hasn’t cottoned onto it.

You see, most of you mugs are obsessed with keeping everything neat and tidy. Nice lawns, clipped hedges, cars neatly parked in the garage… well, that’s an open invitation to a bloke of my profession.  It screams “I’ve got stuff worth a bob or two in here!” and “Look how easy it is to make a clean getaway!”

Nah, you want your yard looking like a bloody cyclone’s just ripped through it. Let the grass grow wild, throw some old tools around, hell, leave your kid’s bikes lying upside down on the front lawn.  We crims, we like things easy, especially when we gotta make a quick exit with the loot. But try hot-footing it across a yard full of trip hazards with the coppers on your tail? No way, mate. We ain’t that stupid.

Don’t think it’s just the outside that matters, either. A messy house, now that’s a thing a beauty. Clothes strewn over the furniture, stacks of dirty dishes in the sink.  See, when a crim like me is casing a joint, I want to know I can find the good stuff – the TVs, the jewelry, the cash –  quick smart. But when your place looks like it hasn’t been cleaned since the dinosaurs roamed the earth, it’s a right pain in the backside trying to figure out what’s worth nicking and what’s just a pile of junk.

Now, you might say “Chopper, you crazy old coot, won’t a messy place actually attract burglars? Won’t they think a slob like that must have something hidden away?” And, yeah, it’s a bit of a gamble. But here’s the thing: most crims want that fast score, the in and out job. They don’t want to be rooting around playing detective, trying to figure out what’s a valuable antique and what’s an old pizza box.

And even if some desperate toe-rag does take a chance? Well, they’ll walk in and see your dirty socks on the floor, your overflowing laundry basket, and the week-old takeaway containers rotting on the coffee table. Trust me, they’ll think you’re the brokest drongo in town. “This poor sod hasn’t got a pot to p*ss in,” they’ll think, and they’ll likely hightail it out of there before you can say “fair dinkum”.

Plus, there’s the added bonus of the “crazy person” factor.  Think about it, what kind of normal person lives in absolute squalor?  A bloke like me starts hearing voices in their head whispering “This fella’s a few stubbies short of a six-pack, best to leave him alone.” You see, there’s a fine line between messy and downright deranged, and sometimes you want to make it look like you’ve crossed it.

But hey, if all this sounds like too much hard work, I’ve got another solution: make friends with a bloke like me. Invite me over for a barbie, offer me a cold beer. You scratch my back, and I’ll make sure no other shonk goes near your place. See, me and my crew, we have a certain code of ethics. A bit whacked out sure, but we look after our own, if you know what I mean.

Of course, I ain’t saying this messy house business is a foolproof plan. If you’ve got something seriously valuable stashed away, some drongo’s bound to take the risk. But for stopping the average opportunistic tea-leaf, it’s more effective than all those motion sensor lights and burglar alarms those security companies try to flog ya.

So next time you’re about to mow the lawn or do a bit of tidying up, stop yourself. Embrace the chaos, me old chinas. Think of all the honest work you’re saving blokes like me. And remember, a messy yard is a burglar’s worst nightmare. Now get out there and make Australia proud, one unkempt garden at a time.

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